Return to  Renascence Editions

The Guls Horn-Booke. 

Thomas Dekker.

Note: this Renascence Editions text was transcribed by Risa S. Bear, July 2003, from the 1904 Temple Classics edition. Any errors that have crept into the transcription are the fault of the present publisher. The text is in the public domain. Content unique to this presentation is copyright © 2003 the editor and the University of Oregon. For nonprofit and educational uses only. Send comments and corrections to the Publisher.

WHOM can I choose (my most worthy Maecænasses) to be Patrons to this labour of mine fitter then yourselves? Your hands are ever open, your purses never shut. So that you stand not in the Common Ranck of Dry-fisted Patrons, (who give nothing) for you give all. Schollers, therefore, are as much beholden to you, as Vintners, Players, and Punks are. Those three trades gaine by you more then Usurers do by thirty in the hundred : You spend the wines of the one, you make suppers for the other, and change your Gold into White money with the third. Who is more liberal! then you ? who (but only Cittizens) are more free ? Blame me not therefore, if I pick you out from the bunch of Booke-takers, to consecrate these fruits of my braine (which shall never die) onely to you. I know that most of you (O admirable Guls !) can neither write nor reade. A Horne-booke have I invented, because I would have you well schooled. Powles is your Walke ; but this your Guide : if it lead you right, thanke me : if astray, men will beare with your errors, because you are Guls. Fare-well.          T. D.

Gentle Reader, I could willingly be content that thou shouldest neither be at cost to buy this booke, nor at the labour to reade it. It is not my ambition to bee a man in Print, thus every Tearm ; Ad prælum, tanquam ad prælium ; Wee should come to the Presse as we come to the Field (seldome). This Tree of Guls was planted long since, but not taking roote, could never beare till now. It bath a relish of Grobianisme, and tastes very strongly of it in the beginning : the reason thereof is, that, having translated many Bookes of that into English Verse, and not greatly liking the Subject, I altred the Shape, and of a Dutchman fashioned a meere Englishman. It is a Table wherein are drawne sundry Pictures : the cullors are fresh ; if they be 'well laid on, I think my workmanship well bestowed: if ill, so much the belter, because I draw the pictures onely of Guls.

CHAP. 1. The old world, and the new weighed 
    together: The Tailors of those times, and 
    these compared : The apparel & diet of our 
    first fathers.
CHAP.  2. How a yong Gallant shall not onely 
    keep his Clothes (which many of them can 
    hardly do) from Brokers ; but also save the 
    charges of taking physick, with other rules 
    for the morning : The praise of sleep, and 
    of going naked.
CHAP.  3. How a Gallant should warme himselfe 
    by the fire ; How attire himselfe : 
    Description of a mans head : The praise of 
    long haire.
CHAP.  4. How a Gallant should behave himselfe 
    in Powles-Walkes.
CHAP.  5. How a Gallant should behave himselfe 
    in an Ordinary.
CHAP.  6. How a Gallant should behave himselfe 
    in a Play-house.
CHAP.  7. How a Gallant should behave himselfe 
    in a Taverne.
CHAP.  8. How a Gallant is to behave himselfe 
    passing through the Cittie, at all houres of 
    the night: and how to passe by any Watch.

I SING (like the cuckooe in June) to bee laught at: if therefore I make a scurvynoise, and that my tunes sound unmusically (the Ditty being altogether lame in respect of the bad feete, and unhansome in regard of the worme-eaten fashion) you that have authority under the broad scale of mouldy custom, to be called the gentle Audience, set your goodly great hands to my pardon : or else, because I scorne to be upbraided that I professe to instruct others in an Art, whereof I my selfe am ignorant, Doe your worst: chuse whether you will let my notes have you by the eares, or no : hisse or give plaudities, I care not a nut-shell which of either : you can neither shake our Comick Theater with your stinking breath of hisses, nor raise it with the thunderclaps of your hands : up it goes, in dispetto del fato. The motley is bought, and a coat with The foure elbowes (for any one that will weare it) is put to making, in defiance of the seven wise maisters : for I have smelt out of the musty sheetes of an old Almanacke, that (at one time or other) even he that jets upon the neatest and sprucest leather, even he that talkes all Adage and Apothegme, even he that will not have a wrinckle in his new Sattein suit, though his mind be uglier then his face, and his face so ill-favouredly made, that he lookes at all times as if a tooth-drawer were fumbling about his gommes with a thousand lame Heteroclites more, that cozen the world with a guilt spur and a ruffled boote ; will be all glad to fit themselves in Will Sommer his wardrobe, and be driven (like a Flemish Hoy in foule weather) to slip into our Schoole, and take out a lesson. Tush, Cælum petimus stultitiâ, all that are chosen Constables for their wit go not to heaven.
    A fig therefore for the new-found Colledge of Criticks. You Courtiers, that do nothing but sing the gamuth - are of complemental courtesie, and at the rustical behaviour of our Countrie Muse, will screw forth worse faces then those which God and the Painter has bestowed upon you, I defie your perfumd scorne : and vow to poyson your Muske cats, if their civet excrement doe but once play with my nose. You ordinary Gulles, that through a poore and silly ambition to be thought you inherit the revenues of extraordinary wit, will spend your shallow censure upon the most elaborate Poeme so lavishly, that all the painted table-men about you, take you to be heires apparant to rich Midas, that had more skill in alchimy then Kelly with the Philosophers stone; (for all that he could lay his fingers on, turned into beaten gold) dry Tobacco with my leaves (you good dry brained polypragmonists) till your pipe offices smoake with your pittifully stinking girds shot out against me. I conjure you (as you come of the right goose-caps) staine not your hose ; but when at a new play you take up the twelve-penny roome next the stage; (because the Lords and you may seeme to be haile fellow wel-met) there draw forth this booke, read alowd, laugh alowd, and play the Antickes, that all the garlike mouthd stinkards may cry out, Away with the fool. As for thee, Zoilus, goe hang thy selfe : and for thee Momus, chew nothing but hemlock, and spit nothing but the sirrup of Aloes upon my papers, till thy very rotten lungs come forth for anger. I am Snake-proof: and, though, with Hanniball, you bring whole hogs-heads of vinegar-railings, it is impossible for you to quench or come over my Alpine-resolution : I will saile boldly and desperately alongst the shore of the Ile of Guls ; and in defiance of those terrible blockhouses, their loggerheads, make a true discovery of their wild (yet habitable) Country.
    Sound an Allarum therefore (O thou my couragious Muse) and, like a Dutch cryer, make proclamation with thy Drum : the effect of thine O-yes being, That if any man, woman or child, be he Lord, be he Lowne, be he Courtier, be he Carter, of y^e Innes of Court, or Innes of Citty, that, hating from the bottome of his heart all  good manners and generous education, is really in love, or rather doates on that excellent country Lady, Innocent Simplicity, being the first, fairest, and   chiefest Chamber-maide that our great grandame Eve entertained into service: Or if any person aforesaid, longing to make a voyage in the ship of Fooles, would venture all the wit that his mother left him, to live in the country of Guls, cockneys, and coxcombs ; to the intent that, haunting theaters, he may sit there, like a popinjay, onely to learne play-speeches, which afterward may furnish y^e necessity of his bare knowledge, to maintaine table talke, or else, heating tavernes, desires to take the Bacchanalian degrees, and to write himselfe in arte bibendi magister; that at ordinaries would sit like Bias, and in the streets walk like a braggart, that on foote longs to goe like a French Lacquey, and on horsebacke rides like an English Tailor, or that from seven yeares and upward, till his dying day, has a monethes mind to have the Guls Hornebooke by hearte; by which in time he may be promoted to serve any Lord in Europe, as his crafty foole, or his bawdy Jester, yea and to be so deere to his Lordship, as for the excellency of his fooling, to be admitted both to ride in Coach with him, and to lie at his very feete on a truckle-bed. Let all such (and I hope the world has not left her olde fashions, but there are ten thousand such) repaire hither.    Never knocke, (you that strive to be Ninny-hammer) but with your feete spurne open the doore, and enter into our Schoole : you shall not neede to buy bookes, no, scorne to distinguish a B from a battle doore; onely looke that your eares be long enough to reach our Rudiments, and you are made for ever. It is by heart that I would have you to con my lessons, and therefore be sure to have most devouring stomaches. Nor be you terrified with an opinion, that our rules be hard and indigestible, or that you shall never be good Graduates in these rare sciences of Barbarisme, and Idiotisme. O fie, uppon any man/ that carries that ungodly minde!  Tush, tush ; Tarleton, Kemp, nor Singer, nor all the litter of Fooles that now come drawling behinde them, never played the clownes  more  naturally then the arrantest Sot of you all shall if hee will but boyle my Instructions in his braine-pan.
    And lest I my selfe like some pedantical Vicar stammering out a most false and crackt latine oration to maister Mayor of the towne and his brethren, should cough and hem in my deliveries; by which meanes you (my Auditors) should be in danger to depart more like woodcockes then when you came to me : O thou venerable father of antient (and therefore hoary) customes, Sylvanus, I invoke thy assistance ; thou that first taughtest Carters to weare hob-nailes, and Lobs to play Christmas gambols, and to shew the most beastly horse-trickes : O do thou, or (if thou art not at leasure) let thy Mountibancke, goat-footed Fauni, inspire me with the knowledge of all those silly and ridiculous fashions, which the old dunsticall world woare even out at elbowes ; draw for me the pictures of the most simple fellowes then living, that by their patterns I may paint the like. Awake thou noblest drunkerd Bacchus, thou must likewise stand to me (if at least thou canst for reeling), teach me (you soveraigne skinker) how to take the Germans upsy freeze,  the   Danish  Rowsa, the Switzers stoap of Rhenish, the Italians Parmizant, the Englishmans healthes, his hoopes, cans, halfecans, Gloves, Frolicks and flapdragons, together with the most notorious qualities of the truest tosspots, as when to cast, when to quarrell, when to light, and where to sleepe : hide not a drop of  thy moist mystery from me, (thou plumpest swil-bowle) but (like an honest red-nosed wine-bibber) lay open all thy secrets, and ye mystical Hieroglyphick of Rashers a' th' coales, Modicums and shooing-hornes, and why they were invented, for what occupations, and when to be used. Thirdly (because I will have more then two strings to my bow) Comus, thou Clarke of Gluttonies kitchen, doe thou also bid me preface, and let me not rise from table, till I am perfect in all the generall rules of Epicures and Cormorants. Fatten thou my braines, that I may feede others, and teach them both how to squat downe to their meat, and how to munch so like Loobies, that the wisest Solon in  the world, shall not be able to take them for any other. If there be any strength in thee, thou beggerly Monarche of Indians, and setter-up of rotten-lungd chimneysweepers, (Tobacco)  I beg it at thy smoaky hands: make me thine adopted heire, that, inheriting the vertues of thy whiffes, I may distribute them amongst all nations, and . make  the phantastick Englishmen (above the rest) more cunning  in the distinction of thy
Rowle Trinidado, Leafe, and Pudding, then the whitest toothd Blackamoore in all Asia. After  thy pipe, shal ten thousands be taught to daunce, if thou wilt but discover to me the sweetnesse of thy snuffes, with the manner of spawling, slavering,  spetting and driveling  in  all   places, and before all persons. Oh  what songs will  I charme out, in praise of those valiantly-strong-stinking breaths, which are easily purchased at thy hands, if I can but get thee to travell through my nose.    All the foh's in  the fairest Ladies mouth, that ever kist Lord, shall not fright me from thy browne presence : for thou art humble, and from the Courts of Princes hast vouchsafed to be acquainted with penny galleries, and (like a good-fellow) to be drunke for company, with Water-men,   Carmen and Colliers; whereas before, and so still, Knights and wise Gentlemen were, & are thy companions. Last, of all, thou Lady of Clownes and Carters, Schoolmistres of fooles and wiseacres, thou homely (but harme-lesse) Rusticity, Oh breath thy dull and dunsticall spirit into our ganders quill ; crowne me thy Poet, not with a garland of Bayes (Oh no ! the number of those  that steale lawret is too monstrous already) but swaddle thou my browes with those unhansome   boughes, which, (like Autumns rotten haire), hang dangling over thy dusty eye-lids. Helpe  me   (thou midwife of unmannerlinesse) to be delivered of this Embryon that lies tumbling in my braine : direct me in this   hard  and   dangerous   voyage,   that  being safely arrived on the desired shore, I may build up Altars to thy Unmatcheable Rudeness ; the  excellency whereof I know will be so great,  that Grout-nowles and Moames will in swarmes fly buzzing about thee. So Herculean a labour is this, that I undertake, that I am enforced to bawl out for all your succours, to the intent I may aptly furnish this feast of Fooles, unto which I solemnely invite all the world; for at it shall sit not only those whom Fortune favours, but even those whose wits are naturally their owne. Yet because your artificiall fooles beare away the bell, all our best workmanship (at this time) shall be spent to fashion such a Creature.
 
 

GOOD cloathes are the embroidred trappings of pride, and good cheere the very eringo-roote of gluttony: so that fine backes, and fat bellyes are Coach-horses to two of the seven deadly sins: In the bootes of which Coach, Lechery and Sloth sit like the waiting-maide. In a most desperate state therefore doe Taylors, and Cookes stand, by meanes of their offices: for both those trades are Apple-squires to that couple of sinnes. The one invents more fantasticke fashions, then Fraunce hath worne since her first stone was laid ; the other more lickerish epicurean dishes, then were ever servd up to Gallonius table. Did man, (thinke you) come wrangling into the world, about no better matters, then all his lifetime to make privy searches in Burchin lane for Whalebone doublets, account or for pies of Nightingale tongues in Heliogabalus his kitchin ? No, no, the first suit of apparell, that ever mortall man put on, came neither from the Mercers shop, nor the Merchants warehouse : Adams bill would have beene taken then, sooner then a Knights bond now; yet was hee great in no bodies bookes for satten, and velvets: the silk-wormes had something else to do in those dayes, then to set up loomes, and be free of the weavers : his breeches were not so much worth as King Stephens, that cost but a poore noble: for Adams holyday hose and doublet were of no better stufte then plaine fig-leaves, and Eves best gowne of the same peece: there went but a paire of sheeres betweene them. An Antiquary in this towne, has yet some of the powder of those leaves dryed to shew. Taylors then were none of the twelve Companies: their Hall, that now is larger then some Dorps among the Netherlands, was then no bigger then a Dutch Butchers shop : they durst not strike downe their customers with large bills : Adam cared not an apple-paring for all their lousy hems. There was then neither the Spanish slop, nor the Skippers galligaskin : the Switzers blistred Codpiece, nor the Danish sleeve sagging down like a Welch wallet, the Italians close strosser, nor the French standing coller: your trebble-quadruple Dædalian ruffes, nor your stiffenecked rebatoes, (that have more arches for pride to row under, then can stand under five London Bridges) durst not then set themselves out in print : for the patent for starch could by no meanes be signed. Fashions then was counted a
disease, and horses died of it : But now (thankes to folly) it is held the onely rare phisicke, and the purest golden Asses live upon it.
    As for the diet of that Saturnian age, it was like their attire, homely : A sallad, and a mess of leeke porridge, was a dinner for a far greater man than ever the Turke was : Potato-pies, and Custards, stood like the sinful suburbs of Cookery, and had not a wall (so much as a handfull hie) built rownd about them. There were no daggers then, nor no Chayres. Crookes his ordinary, in those parsimonious dayes, had not a Capons-leg to throw at a dog. Oh golden world, the suspicious Venecian carved not his meate with a silver pitch-forke, neither did the sweet-toothd Englishman shift a dozen of trenchers at one meale. Piers Ploughman layd ' the cloth, and Simplicity brought in the voyder. How wonderfully is the world altered and no marvell, for it has lyein sicke almost five thousand yeares : So that it is no more like the old Theater du munde, than old Paris garden is like the Kings garden at Paris.
   What an excellent workeman therefore were he, that could cast the Globe of it into a new mould : And not to make it look like Mullineuux his Globe, with a round face sleekt and washt over with whites of egges ; but to have it in Plano, as it was at first, with all the ancient circles, lines, paralels, and figures, representing indeede, all the wrinckles, crackes, crevises and flawes that   (like the Mole on Hattens cheek, being os amoris,) stuck upon it at the first creation, and made it looke most lovely ; but now those furrowes are filled up with Cerise, and Vermilion ; yet all will not doe, it appeares more ugly. Come, come, it would be but a bald world, but that it weares a periwig. The body of it is fowle (like a birding-peece) by being too much heated: the breath of it stinks like the mouthes of Chambermaides by feeding on so many sweat meats. And, though to purge it wil be a sorer labour then the clensing of Augeaes stable, or the scowring of Moorditch : yet, Ille ego, qui quondam ; I am the Pasquille madcap, that will doo't.
    Draw neere therefore, all you that love to walke upon single and simple soules, and that wish to keepe company with none but Innocents, and the sonnes of civill Citizens, out with your tables, and naile your eares (as it were to the pillary) to the musique of our instructions: nor let the title Gullery, fright you from schoole : for marke what an excellent ladder you are to clime by. How many worthy, and men of famous memory (for their learning of all offices, from the scavenger and so upward) have flourished in London of y^e ancient familie of the Wiseacres, being now no better esteemed than fooles and yonger brothers ? This geare must be lookt into, lest in time (O lamentable time, when that houre-glasse is turned up) a rich mans sonne shall no sooner peepe out of the shell of his minority, but he shall straightwaies be begd for a concealement, or set upon (as it were, by free-booters) and tane in his owne purse-nets by fencers and cony-catchers. To drive which pestilent infection from the heart, heeres a medicine more potent, and more precious, then was ever that mingle-mangle of drugs which Mithridates boyld together. Feare not to tast it: a cawdle will not goe downe halfe so smoothly as this will : you neede not call the honest name of it in question, for Antiquity puts off his cap, and makes a bare oration in praise of the vertues of it: the Receipt hath beene subscribed unto, by all those that have had to doe with Simples, with this moth-eaten Motto, Probatum est : your Diacatholicon aureum, that with gun-powder brings threaten[ing]s to blow up all diseases that come in his way, and smels worse then Assafoetida in respect of this. You therefore whose bodyes, either overflowing with the corrupt humours of this ages phantasticknesse, or else being burnt up with the inflammation of upstart fashions, would faine be purgd : and to shew that you truly loath this polluted and mangy-fisted world, turne Timonists, not caring either for men or their maners. Doe you pledge me, spare not to take a deepe draught of our homely councel. The cup is full, and so large, that I boldly drinke a health unto all commers. 

Sit brevis, aut nullus, tibi somnus meridianus. 

Short let thy sleepe at noone be, 
Or rather let it none be.

BUT if (as it often happens unlesse the yeare catch the sweating sicknesse) the morning, like charity waxing cold, thrust his frosty fingers into thy bosome, pinching thee black and blew (with his nailes made of yce) like an invisible goblin, so that thy teeth (as if thou wert singing prick-song) stand coldly quavering in thy head, and leap up and downe like the nimble Jackes of a paire of Virginals: be then as swift as a whirle-winde, and as boystrous in tossing all thy cloathes in a rude heape together: With which bundle filling thine armes, steppe bravely forth, crying : Room, what a coyle keepe you about the fire? The more are set round about it, the more is thy commendation, if thou either bluntly ridest over their shoulders, or tumblest aside their stooles to creepe into the chimney-corner : there toast thy body, till thy scorched skinne be speckled all over being staind with more motley colours himself then are to be scene on the right side of the rainebow.
   Neither shall it be fit for the state of thy health, to put on thy Apparell, till by sitting in that hothouse of the chimney, thou feelest the fat dew of thy body (like basting) run trickling down thy sides: for by that meanes thou maist lawfully boast, that thou livest by the sweat of thy browes.
    As for thy stockings and shoos, so weare them, that all men may point at thee, and make thee famous by that glorious name of a Male-content. Or, if thy quicksilver can runne so farre on thy errant, as to fetch thee bootes out of S. Martens, let it be thy prudence to have the tops of them wide as y^e mouth of a wallet, and those with fringed boote-hose over them to hang downe to thy ankles. Doves are accounted innocent, and loving creatures : thou, in observing this fashion, shall seeme to be a rough-footed dove, and be held as innocent. Besides, the strawling, which of necessity so much lether between thy legs must put thee into, will be thought not to grow from thy disease, but from that gentleman-like habit.
    Having thus apparelled thee from top to toe, according to that simple fashion, which the best Goose-caps in Europe strive to imitate, it is now high time for me to have a blow at thy head, which I will not cut off with sharp documents, but rather set it on faster, bestowing upon it such
excellent carving, that, if all the wise men of Gottam should lay their heads together, their Jobbernowles should not bee able to compare with thine.
    To maintaine therefore that sconce of thine, strongly guarded, and in good reparation, never suffer combe to fasten his teeth  there : let thy haire grow thick and bushy like a forrest, or some wildernesse ; lest those sixe-footed creatures that breede in it, and are Tenants to that crowne-land of thine, bee hunted to death by every base barbarous Barber; and so that delicate, and tickling pleasure of scratching, be utterly taken from thee :  For the Head is a house built for Reason to dwell in ; and thus is the tenement framed. The two Eyes are the glasse windowes, at which light disperses itself into every roome, having goodly penthouses of haire to overshadow them: As for   the nose, tho some (most injuriously and improperly) make it serve for an Indian chimney, yet surely it is rightly a bridge with two arches, under which are neat passages to convey as well perfumes to aire and sweeten every chamber, as to carry away all  noisome filth that is swept out of uncleane corners : the cherry lippes open, like the new painted gates of a Lord Mayor's house, to take in provision. The tongue is a bell,  hanging just under the middle of the roofe; and lest it should be rung out too deepe (as sometimes it is when women have a peale) whereas it was cast by the first founder, but onely to tole softly, there are two even rowes of Ivory pegs (like pales) set to keep it in.  The eares are two Musique roomes into which as well good sounds as bad, descend downe two narrow paire of staires, that for all the world have crooked windings like those that lead to the top of Powles steeple ; and, because when the tunes are once gotten in, they should not too quickly slip out, all the walles of both places are plaistered with yellow wax round about them. Now, as the fairest lodging, tho it be furnisht with walles, chimnies, chambers, and all other parts of Architecture, yet, if the feeleing be wanting, it stands subject to raine, and so consequently to ruine. So would this goodly palace, which wee have moddeld out unto you, be but a cold and bald habitation, were not the top of it rarely covered. Nature therfore has plaid the Tyler, and given it a most curious covering, or (to speake more properly) she has thatcht it all over, and that Thatching is haire. If then thou desirest to reserve that Fee-simple of wit (thy head) for thee and the lawfull heires of thy body, play neither the scurvy part of the Frenchman, that pluckes up all by y^e rootes, nor that of the spending Englishman, who, to maintaine a paltry warren of unprofitable Conies, disimparkes the stately swift-footed wild Deere: But let thine receive his full growth, that thou maiest safely and wisely brag 'tis thine owne Bush-Naturall.
    And with all consider that, as those trees of cobweblawne (woven by Spinners the fresh May-mornings) doe dresse the curled heads of the mountaines, and adorne the swelling bosomes of the valleyes: Or, as those snowy fleeces, which the naked bryer steales from the innocent nibbling sheep, to make himselfe a warm winter livery, are to either of them both an excellent ornament : So make thou account, that to have fethers sticking heere and there on thy head, will embellish, and set thy crowne out rarely. None dare upbraid thee, that like a begger thou hast lyen on straw, or like a travelling Pedler upon musty flockes : for those feathers will rise up as witnesses to choake him that sayes so, and to prove that thy bed was of the softest downe.
    When your noblest Gallants consecrate their houres to their Mistresses and to Revelling, they weare fethers then chiefly in their hattes, being one of the fairest ensignes of their bravery : But thou, a Reveller and a Mistris-server all the yeare, by wearing fethers in thy haire, whose length before the rigorous edge of any puritanicall paire of scizzers should shorten the breadth of a finger, let the three huswifely spinsters of Destiny rather curtail the thread of thy life. O no, long hair is the onely nette that women spread abroad to entrappe men in; and why should not men be as far above women in that commodity, as they go beyond men in others ? The merry Greekes were called Κ α ρ η χ ο μ ο ω υ τ ε ς long-haired : loose not thou (being an honest Trojan} that honour, sithence it will more fairely become thee. Grasse is the haire of the earth, which, so long as it is suffred to grow, it becomes the wearer, and carries a most pleasing colour, but when the Sunne-burnt clowne makes his mowes at it, and (like a Barber) shaves it off to the stumps, then it withers and is good for nothing but to be trust up and thrown amongst ades. How ugly is a bald pate ? it lookes like a face wanting a nose ; or, like ground eaten bare with the arrowes of Archers, whereas a head al hid in haire gives even to a most wicked face a sweet proportion, and lookes like a meddow newly marryed to the Spring : which beauty in men the Turkes envying, they no sooner lay hold on a Christian, but the first marke they set upon him, to make him know hees a slave, is to shave off all his haire close to the scull. A Mahometan cruelty therefore is it, to stuffe breeches and tennis-balles with that, which, when tis once lost, all the hare-hunters in the world may sweat their hearts out, and yet hardly catch it againe.
    You then, to whom chastity has given an heire apparant, take order that it may be apparant, and to that purpose, let it play operly with the lascivious wind, even on the top of your shoulders. Experience cries out in every Citty, that those self-same Criticall Saturnists, whose haire is shorter than their eye-brows, take a pride to have their hoary beards hang slavering like a dozen of Foxetailes downe so low as their middle. But (alas) why should the chinnes and lippes of old men lick up that excrement, which they violently clip away from the heads of yong men ? Is it because those long beesomes (their beards) with sweeping the soft bosomes of their beautiful yong wives, may tickle their tender breasts, and make some amends for their maisters' unrecoverable dulnesse ? No, no, there hangs more at the ends of those long gray haires than all the world can come to the knowledge of. Certaine I am, that when none but the golden age went currant upon earth, it was higher treason to clip haire, then to clip money : the comb and scizzers were condemned to the currying of hackneyes : he was disfranchised for ever, that did but put on a Barbers apron. Man, woman, and child wore then haire longer then a law-suit; every head, when it stood bare or uncovered, lookt like a butter-boxes nowle, having his thrumbd cap on. It was free for all Nations to have shaggy pates, as it is now onely for the Irishman. But since this polling and shaving world crept up, locks were lockt up, and haire fell to decay. Revive thou therefore the old, buryed fashion, and (in scorne of periwigs and sheep-shearing) keep thou that quilted head-peece on continually. Long haire will make hiee looke dreadfully to thine enemies, and manly to thy friends. It is, in peace, an ornament; in warre, a strong helmet. It blunts the edge of a sword, and deads the leaden thump of a bullet. In winter, it is a warme night-cap, in sommer, a cooling fanne of fethers. 

BEING weary with sailing up and downe alongst these shores of Barbaria, heere let us cast our anchors, and nimbly leape to land in our coasts, whose fresh aire shall be so much the more pleasing to us, if the Ninny hammer (whose perfection we labour to set forth) have so much foolish wit left him as to choose the place where to sucke in : for that true humorous Gallant that desires to powre himselfe into all fashions (if his ambition be such to excell even Complement itselfe) must as well practise to diminish his walkes, as to bee various in his sallets, curious in his Tobacco, or ingenious in the trussing up of a new Scotch-hose: All which vertues are excellent and able to maintaine him, especially it the old worme-eaten Farmer, (his father) bee dead, and left him five hundred a yeare, onely to keepe an Irish hobby, an Irish horse-boy, and himselfe (like a gentleman). Hee therefore that would strive to fashion his leggs to his silke stockings, and his proud gate to his broad garters, let him whiffe downe these observations; for, if he once get to walke by the booke (and I see no reason but he may, as well as fight by the booke) Powles may be proud of him, Will Clarke shall ring forth Encomiums in his honour, John in Powles Church-yard, shall fit his head for an excellent blocke, whilest all the Innes of Court rejoice to behold his most hansome calfe. Your Mediterranean Ile, is then the onely gallery, wherein the pictures of all your true fashionate and complementall Guls are, and ought to be hung up : into that gallery carry your neat body, but take heede you pick out such an hour, when the maine Shoale of Ilanders are swimming up and downe. And first observe your doores of entrance, and your Exit, not much unlike the plaiers at the Theaters, keeping
your Decorums, even in phantasticality. As for example: if you prove to be a Northerne Gentleman, I would wish you to passe through the North doore, more often (especially)  then any of the other :   and so, according to your countries, take note of your entrances.
    Now for your venturing into the Walke, be circumspect and wary what piller you come in at, and take heede in any case (as you love the reputation of your honour) that you avoide the Serving-mans log, and approch not within five fadom of that Piller ; but bend your course directly in the middle line, that the whole body of the Church may appeare to be yours ; where, in view of all, you may publish your suit in what manner you affect most, either with the slide of your cloake from the one shoulder, and then you must (as twere in anger) suddenly snatch at the middle of the inside (if it be taffata at the least) and so by that meanes your costly lining is betrayd, or else by the pretty advantage of Complement. But one note by the way do I especially wooe you to the neglect of which makes many of our Gallants cheape and ordinary, that by no meanes you be seene above foure turnes; but in the fift make your selfe away, either in some of the Sempsters' shops, the new Tobacco-office, or amongst the Booke-sellers, where, if you cannot reade, exercise your smoake, and inquire who has writ against this divine weede &c. For this withdrawing your selfe a little, will much benefite your suit, which else, by too long walking, would be stale to the whole spectators : but howsoever if Powles Jacks beeonce up with their elbowes, and quarrelling to strike eleven, as soone as ever theclock has parted them, and ended the fray with his hammer, let not the Dukes gallery conteyne you any longer, but passe away apace in open view. In which departure, if by chance you either encounter, or aloofe off throw your inquisitive eye upon any knight or Squire, being your familiar, salute him not by his name of Sir such a one, or so, but call him Ned, or Jack, &c.. This will set off your estimation with great men: and if (tho there be a dozen companies betweene you, tis the better) hee call aloud to you (for thats most gentile), to know where he shall find you at two a clock, tell him at such an Ordinary, or such, and bee sure to name those that are deerest:  and whither none but your Gallants resort. After dinner you may appeare againe, having translated yourselfe out of your English cloth cloak, into a light Turky-grogram) if you have  that happinesse of shifting)  and then be seene (for a turne or two) to correct your teeth with some quill or silver instrument, and to cleanse your gummes with a wrought handkercher : It skilles not whether you dined or no (thats best knowne to your stomach) or in what place you dined, though it were with cheese, (of your owne mother's making) in your chamber or study.
    Now if you chance to be a Gallant not much crost among Citizens, that is, a Gallant in the Mercers bookes, exalted for Sattens and velvets, if you be not so much blest to bee crost (as I hold it the greatest blessing in the world, to bee great in no mans bookes) your Powles walke is
your onely refuge : the Dukes Tomb is a Sanctuary, and wil keepe you alive from wormes and  land-rattes, that long to be feeding on your poles carkas: there you may spend your legs in winter a whole after-noone: converse, plot, laugh, and talke any thing, jest at your Creditor, even to his face, and in the evening, even by lamp-light, steale out, and so cozen a whole covy of abhominable catch-pols. Never be seene to mount the steppes into the quire, but upon a high Festivall day, to preferre the fashion of your doublet, and especially if the singing-boyes seeme to take note of you : for they are able to buzze your praises above their Anthems, if their voyces have not lost their maidenheads: but be sure your silver spurres dog your heeles, and then the Boyes will swarme about you like so many white butter-flyes, when you in the open Quire shall drawe forth a perfumed embrodred purse (the glorious sight of which will entice many Countrymen from their devotion to wondering) and quoyt silver into the Boyes handes, that it may be heard above the first lesson, although it be reade in a voyce as big as one of the great Organs.
    This noble and notable Act being performed, you are to vanish presently out of the Quire, and to appeare againe in the walk : But in any wise be not observed to tread there long alone : for feare you be suspected to be a Gallant casheerd from the society of Captens and Fighters.
    Sucke this humour up especially. Put off to none, unlesse his hatband be of a newer fashion then yours, and three degrees quainter : but for him that weares a trebled cipers about his hatte, (though he were an Aldermans sonne) never move to him : for hees suspected to be worse then a Gull, and not worth the putting off to, that cannot observe the time of his hatband, nor know what fashioned block is most kin to his head: for, in my opinion, y^e braine that cannot choose his Felt well (being the head ornament) must needes powre folly into all the rest of the members, and be an absolute confirmed Foole in Summâ Totali.
    All the diseased horses in a tedious siege cannot shew so many fashions, as are to be seene for nothing, every day, in Duke Humfryes walke. If therefore you determine to enter into a new suit, warne your Tailor to attend you in Powles, who, with his hat in his hand, shall like a spy discover the stuffe, colour, and fashion of any doublet, or hose that dare be seene there, and stepping behind a piller to fill his table-bookes with those notes, will presently send you into the world an accomplisht man : by which meanes you shall weare your clothes in print with the first edition. But  if Fortune favour you so much as to make you no more then a meere country gentleman, or but some three degrees removd from him, (for which I should be very sorie, because your London-experience wil cost you deere before you shall have the wit to know what you are) then take this lesson along with you : The first time that you venture into Powles, passe through the body of the Church like a Porter, yet presume not to fetch so much as one whole turne in the middle lie, no nor to cast an eye to Si quis doore, (pasted and plaistered up with Serving-mens supplication) before you have paid tribute to the top of Powles steeple with a single penny : And when you are mounted there, take heede how you looke downe into the yard; for the railes are as rotten as your great-Grandfather ; and thereupon it will not be aniisse if you enquire how Kit Woodroffe durst vault over, and what reason he had for it, to put his necke in hazard of reparations. From hence you may descend, to talke about the horse that went up, and strive, if you can, to know his keeper : take the day of the Moneth, and the number of the steppes, and suffer yourselfe to believe verily that it was not a horse, but something else in the likenesse of one: which wonders you may publish, when you returne into the country, to the great amazement of all Farmers Daughters, that will almost swound at the report, and never recover till their banes bee asked twice in the Church.
    But I have not left you yet. Before you come downe againe, I would desire you to draw your knife, and grave your name (or, for want of a name, the marke, which you clap on your sheep) in great Characters upon the leades, by a number of your brethren (both Citizens and country Gentlemen) and so you shall be sure to have your name lye in a coffin of lead, when yourselfe shall be wrapt in a winding-sheete: and indeed the top of Powles conteins more names than Stowes Chronicle. These lofty tricks being plaid, and you (thanks to your feete) being safely arived at the staires foote againe, your next worthy worke is, to repaire to my lord  Chancellors Tomb (and, if you can but reasonably spel) bestow some time upon the reading of Sir Phillip Sydneys briefe Epitaph ; in the campasse of an houre you may make shift to stumble it out. The great dyal is, your last monument: there bestow some halfe of the threescore minutes, to observe the sawciness of the Jaikes that are above the man in the moone there; the strangenesse of the motion will quit your labour. Besides, you may heere have fit occasion to discover your watch, by taking it forth, and setting the wheeles to the time of Powles, which, I assure you, goes truer by five notes then S. Sepulchers Chimes. The benefit that wil arise from hence is this, that you publish your charge in maintaining a gilded clocke ; and withall the world shall know that you are a time-pleaser. By this I imagine you have walkt your belly ful, and thereupon being weary, or (which rather I beleeve) being most Gentlemanlike hungry, it is fit that I brought you into the Duke ; so (because he followes the fashion of great men, in keeping no house, and that therefore you must go seeke your dinner) suffer me to take you by the hand, and lead you into an Ordinary.

FIRST, having diligently enquired out an Ordinary of the largest reckoning, whither most of your Courtly Gallants do resort, let it be your use to repaire thither some halfe houre after eleven ; for then you shall find most of your fashion-mongers planted in the roome waiting for meate. Ride thither upon your galloway-nag, or your Spanish Jennet, a swift ambling pace, in your hose, and doublet (gilt rapier and poniard be-stowd in their places) and your French Lackey carrying your cloake, and running before you; or rather in a coach, for that will both hide you from the  basiliske-eyes of your creditors, and outrun a whole kennell of  bitter-mouthed Sergeants.
    Being arrived in the roome, salute not any but those of your acquaintance : walke up and downe by the rest as scornfully and as carelesly as a Gentleman-Usher: Select some friend (having first throwne off your cloake) to walke up and downe the room with you, let him be suited if you can, worse by farre then your selfe, he will be a foyle to you: and this will be a meanes to publish your clothes better than Powles, a Tennis-court, or a Playhouse : discourse as lowd as you can, no matter to what purpose if you but make a noise, and laugh in fashion, and have a good sower face to promise quarrelling, you shall bee much observed.
    If you be a souldier, talke how often you have beene in action : as the Portingale voyage, Cales voiage, the Iland voiage, besides some eight or nine imploiments in Ireland, and the Low Countries : then you may discourse how honourably your Grave used you ; observe that you cal Grave Maurice, your Grave: How often you have drunk with Count such a one, and such a Count on your knees to your Graves health : and let it bee your vertue to give place neither to S. Kyrwck, nor to any Dutchman whatsoever in the seventeene provinces, for that Souldiers complement of drinking. And if you perceive that the untravelld company about you take this downe well, ply them with more such stuffe, as how you have interpreted betweene the French King and a great Lord of Barbary, when they have been drinking healthes together, and that will be an excellent occasion to publish your languages, if you have them : if not, get some fragments of French, or smal parcels of Italian, to fling about the table : but beware how you speake any Latine there : your Ordinary most commonly hath no more to do with Latine then a desperate towne of Garison hath.
    If you be a Courtier, discourse of the obtaining of Suits : of your mistresses favours, etc. Make inquiry, if any gentleman at boord have any suit, to get which he would use ye good means of a great mans Interest with the King : and withall (if you have not so much grace left in you as to blush) that you are (thankes to your starres) in mightie credit, though in your owne conscience you know, and are guilty to your selfe, that you dare not (but onely upon the priviledges of hansome clothes) presume to peepe into the presence. Demand if there be any Gentleman (whom any there is acquainted with) that is troubled with two offices; or any Vicar with two Church-livings; which will politickly insinuate, that your inquiry after them is because you have good meanes to obtaine them ; yea and rather then your tongue should not be heard in the roome, but that you should sit (like an Asse) with your finger in your mouth, and speake nothing : discourse how often this Lady hath sent her Coach for you; and how often you have sweat in the Tennis-court with that great Lord: for indeede the sweting together in Fraunce (I mean the society of Tennis) is a great argument of most deere affection, even between noblemen and Pesants.
    If you be a Poet, and come into the Ordinary (though it can be no great glory to be an ordinary Poet) order yourselfe thus. Observe no'man, doff not cap to that Gentleman to day at dinner, to whom, not two nights since, you were beholden for a supper; but, after a turne or two in the roome, take occasion (pulling out your gloves) to have some Epigram, or Satyre, or Sonnet fastned in one of them, that may (as it were vomittingly to you) offer it selfe to the Gentlemen : they will presently desire it: but, without much conjuration from them, and a pretty kind of counterfet loathnes in yourselfe, do not read it; and though it be none of your owne, sweare you made it. Mary, if you chaunce to get into your hands any witty thing of another mans, that is somewhat better, I would councell you then, if demand bee made who composed it, you may say : faith, a learned Gentleman, a very worthy friend. And this seeming to lay it on another man will be counted either modestie in you, or a signe that you are not ambitious of praise, or else that you dare not take it upon you, for feare of the sharpnesse it carries with it. Besides, it will adde much to your fame to let your tongue walke faster then your teeth, though you be never so hungry, and, rather then you should sit like a dumb Coxcomb, to repeat by heart either some verses of your owne, or of any other mans, stretching even very good lines upon the rack of the censure : though it be against all law, honestie, or conscience, it may chaunce save you the price of your Ordinary, and beget you other Suppliments. Mary, I would further intreat our Poet to be in league with the Mistresse of the Ordinary, because from her (upon condition that he will but ryme knights and yong gentlemen to her house, and maintaine the table in good fooling) he may easily make up his mouth at her cost, Gratis.
    Thus much for particular men. But in generall let all that are in Ordinary-pay, march after the sound of these directions. Before the meate come smoaking to the board, our Gallant must draw out his Tobacco-box, the ladell for the cold snuffe into the nosthrill, the tongs and prining-Iron : All which artillery may be of gold or silver (if he can reach to the price of it), it will bee a reasonable useful pawne at all times, when the current of his money fallcs out to run low. And heere you must observe to know in what state Tobacco is in towne, better then the Merchants, and to discourse   of the Apottecaries where it is to be sold and to be able to speake of their wines, as  readily as the Apottecary himselfe reading the barbarous hand of a Doctor: then let  him  shew his severall tricks in taking it, As the Whiffe, the Ring, etc. For these are complements that gaine Gentlemen no mean  respect and for which indeede they are more worthily noted, I ensure you, then for any skill that they have in learning.
    When you are set downe to dinner, you must eate as impudently as can be (for thats most Gentlemanlike) when your Knight is upon his stewed mutton, be presently, though you be but a capten, in the bosome of your goose: and when your Justice of peace is knuckle-deep in goose, you may, without disparagement to your bloud, though you have a Lady to your mother, fall very manfully to your woodcocks.
    You may rise in dinner-time to aske for a close-stoole, protesting to all the gentlemen that it costs you a hundred pounds a yeare in phy-sicke, besides the Annual pension which your wife allowes her Doctor: and (if you please) you may (as your great French Lord doth) invite some speciall friend of yours, from the table, to hold discourse with you as you sit in that withdrawing-chamber: from whence being returned againe to the board, you shall sharpen the wits of all the eating Gallants about you, and doe them great pleasure, to aske what Pamphlets or poems a man might think fittest to wipe his taile with (mary, this talke will be somewhat fowle if you carry not a strong perfume about you) and, in propounding this question, you may abuse the workes of any man; deprave his writings that you cannot equall, and purchase to your selfe in time the terrible name of a severe Criticke ; nay, and be one of the Colledge, if youle be liberall inough : and (when your turn comes) pay for their suppers.
After dinner, every man as his busines leades him : some to dice, some to drabs, some to playes, some to take up friends in the Court, some to take up money in the Citty, some to lende testers in Powles, others to borrow crownes upon the Exchange : and thus, as the people is sayd to bee a beast of many heads (yet all those heads like Hydraes) ever growing, as various in their homes as wondrous in their budding and branching, so, in an Ordinary, you shall find the variety of a whole kingdome in a few Apes of the kingdome.
    You must not sweare in your dicing: for that Argues a violent impatience to depart from your money, and in time will betray a mans neede. Take heede of it. No! whether you be at Primero, or Hazard, you shall sit as patiently (though you lose a whole halfe-yeares exhibition) as a disarmd Gentleman does when hees in the unmerciful fingers of Serjeants. Mary, I will allow you to sweat privatly, and teare six or seven score paire of cards, be the damnation of some dozen or twenty baile of dice, and forsweare play a thousand times in  an houre, but not sweare. Dice your selfe into your shirt: and, if you have a beard that your frind wil lend but an angell upon, shave it off, and pawne that, rather then to goe home blinde to your lodging. Further, it is to be remembred,  He that is a great Gamester may be trusted for a quarters board at all  times, and  apparell provided,  if neede be.
    At your twelvepennny Ordinary, you may give any Justice of peace, or yong Knight (if he sit but one degree towards the Equinoctiall of the Salt-seller) leave to pay for the wine : and hee shall not refuse it, though it be a weeke before the receiving of his quarters rent, which is a time albeit of good hope, yet of present necessity.
    There is another Ordinary, to which your London Usurer, your stale Batchilor, and your thrifty Atturney do resort: the price three pence : the roomes as full of company as a Jaile, and indeed divided into severall wards, like the beds of an Hospital. The complement betweene these is not much, their words few : for the belly hath no eares: every mans eie heere is upon the other mans trencher, to note whether his fellow lurch him, or no : if they chaunce to discourse, it is of nothing but of Statutes, Bonds, Recognizances, Fines, Recoveries, Audits, Rents, Subsidies, Surties, Inclosures, Liveries, Inditements, Outlaries, Feoffments, Judgments, Commissions, Bankrouts, Amercements, and of such horrible matter, that when a Liftenant dines with his punck in the next roome, he thinkes verily the men are conjuring. I can find nothing at this Ordinary worthy the sitting downe for: therefore the cloth shall be taken away, and those that are thought good enough to be guests heere, shall be too base to bee waiters at your Grand Ordinary ; at which your Gallant tastes these commodities. He shall fare wel, enjoy good company, receive all the newes ere the post can deliver his packet, be perfect where the best bawdy-houses stand, proclaime his good clothes, know this man to drinke well, that to feed grosly, the other to swaggar roughly: he shall, if hee be minded to travell, put out money upon his returne, and have hands enough to receive it upon any termes of repaiment: And no question, if he be poore, he shall now and then light upon some Gull or other, whom he may skelder (after the gentile fashion) of mony : By this time the parings of Fruit and Cheese are in the voyder, Cards and dice lie stinking in the fire, the guests are all up, the guilt rapiers ready to be hangd, the French Lackquey, and Irish Footeboy, shrugging at the doores, with their masters hobby-horses, to ride to the new play : thats the Randevous: thither they are gallopt in post. Let us take a paire of Oares, and now lustily after them.

THE  theater  is your Poets Royal Exchange, upon which their Muses, (y^t are  now turnd to Merchants,) meeting, barter away that light commodity of words for a lighter ware then words, Plaudites, and the breath of the great Beast; which (like the threatnings of two Cowards) vanish all into air. Plaiers and their Factors, who put away the stuffe, and make the best of it they possibly can (as indeed tis their parts so to doe) your Gallant, your Courtier, and your Capten had wont to be the soundest paymasters; and I thinke are still the surest chapmen : and these, by meanes that their heades are well stockt, deale upon this comical freight by the grosse : when your Groundling, and gallery-Commoner buyes his sport by the penny, and, like a Hagler, is glad to utter it againe by retailing.
    Sithence then the place is so free in entertainment, allowing a stoole as well to the Farmers sonne as to your Templer: that your Stinkard has the selfe-same libertie to be there in his Tobacco-Fumes, which your sweet Courtier hath: and that your Car-man and Tinker claime as strong a voice in their suffrage, and sit to give judgment on the plaies life and death, as well as the prowdest Momus among the tribe[s] of Critick : It is fit that hee, whom the most  tailors bils do make roome for, when he comes, should not be basely (like a vyoll) casd up in a corner.
    Whether therefore the gatherers of the publique or private Play-house stand to receive the afternoones rent, let our Gallant (having paid it) presently advance himselfe up to the Throne of the Stage. I meane not into the Lords roome (which is now but the Stages Suburbs) : No, those boxes, by the iniquity of custome, conspiracy of waiting-women and Gentlemen-Ushers, that there sweat together, and the covetousnes of Sharers, are contemptibly thrust into the reare, and much new Satten is there dambd, by being smothred to death in darknesse. But on the very Rushes where the Comedy is to daunce, yea, and under the state of Cambises himselfe must our fethered Estridge, like a piece of Ordnance, be planted valiantly (because impudently) beating downe the mewes and hisses of the opposed rascality.
    For do but cast up a reckoning, what large cummings-in are pursd up by sitting on the Stage. First a conspicuous Eminence is gotten ; by which meanes, the best and most essenciall parts of a Gallant (good cloathes, a proportionable legge, white hand, the Persian lock, and a tollerable beard) are perfectly revealed.
    By sitting on the stage, you have a signd patent to engrosse the whole commodity of Censure ; may lawfully presume to be a Girder ; and stand at the helme to steere the passage of scenes ; yet  no man shall once offer to hinder you from obtaining the title of an insolent, overweening Coxcombe. 
    By sitting on the stage, you may (without travelling for it) at the very next doore aske whose play it is : and, by that Quest of Inquiry, the law warrants you to avoid much mistaking : if you know not y^e author, you may raile against him: and peradventure so behave your selfe, that you may enforce the Author to know you.
    By sitting on the stage, if you be a Knight, you may happily get you a Mistress : if a mere Fleet-street Gentleman, a wife : but assure yourselfe, by continuall residence, you are the first and principall man in election to begin the number of We three.
    By spreading your body on the stage, and by being a Justice in examining of plaies, you shall put your selfe into such true scenical authority, that some Poet shall not dare to present his Muse rudely upon your eyes, without having first unmaskt her, rifled her, and discovered all her bare and most mysticall parts before you at a taverne, when you most knightly shal, for his paines, pay for both their suppers.
By sitting on the stage, you may (with small cost) purchase the deere acquaintance of the boys: have a good stoole for sixpence : at any time know what particular part any of the infants present : get your match lighted, examine the play-suits lace, and perhaps win wagers upon laying 'tis copper, &c. And to conclude, whether you be a foole or a Justice of peace, a Cuckold, or a Capten, a Lord-Mayors sonne, or a dawcocke, a  knave, or an under-Sherife ; of what stamp soever you be, currant, or counterfet, the Stage, like time, will bring  you to most perfect light and lay you open : neither are you to be hunted from thence, though the Scarecrows in the yard hoot at you, hisse at you, spit at you, yea, throw durt even in your teeth : 'tis most Gentlemanlike patience to endure all this, and to laugh at the silly Animals : but if the Rabble, with a full throat, crie, away with the foole, you were worse then a madman to tarry by it : for the Gentleman, and the foole should never sit on the Stage together.
    Mary, let this observation go hand in hand with the rest: or rather, like a country-serving-man, some five yards before them. Present  not your selfe on the Stage (especially at a new play) untill the quaking prologue hath (by rubbing) got culor into his cheekes, and is ready to give the trumpets their Cue, that hees upon point to enter : for then it is time, as though you were one of the properties, or that you dropt out of y^eHangings, to creepe from behind the Arras, with your Tripos or three-footed stoole in one hand, and a teston mounted betweene a forefinger and a thumbe in the other : for if you should bestow your person upon the vulgar, when the belly of the house is but halfe full, your apparell is quite eaten up, the fashion lost, and the proportion of your body in more danger to be devoured then if it were served up in the Counter amongst the Powltry : avoid that as you would the Bastome. It shall crowne you with rich commendation, to laugh alowd in the middest of the most serious and saddest scene of the terriblest Tragedy : and  to let that clapper (your tongue) be tost so high, that all the house may ring of it : your Lords use it; your  Knights are Apes to the Lords, and do so too : your Inne-a-court-man is Zany to the Knights, and
(mary very scarvily) comes likewise limping after it : bee thou a beagle to them all, and never lin snuffing, till  you have scented them : for by talking and laughing (like a Plough-man in a Morris)  you heap Pelion upon Ossa, glory upon glory : As first, all the eyes in the galleries will leave walking after the Players, and  onely follow  you: the simplest dolt in the house snatches up your name, and when he meetes you in the streetes, or that you fall into his hands in the middle of a Watch, his word shall be taken for you : heele cry Hees such a gallant, and you passe.    Secondly, you publish your temperance to the world, in that you seeme not to resort thither to taste vaine pleasures with a hungrie appetite: but onely as a Gentleman to spend a foolish houre or two, because you can doe nothing else : Thirdly, you  mightily disrelish the Audience, and disgrace the Author: marry, you take up (though it be at the worst hand) a strong opinion of your owne judgement, and inforce the Poet to  take pity of your weakenesse, and, by some dedicated sonnet, to bring you into a better paradice, onely to stop your mouth.
    If you can (either for love or money) provide your selfe a lodging by the water-side : for, above the convenience it brings to shun Shoulder-clapping, and to ship away your Cockatrice betimes in the morning, it addes a kind of state unto you, to be carried from thence to the staires Of your Play-house: hate a Sculler (remember that) worse then to be acquainted with one o' th' Scullery. No, your Oares are your onely Sea-crabs, boord them, and take heed you never go twice together with one paire : often shifting is a great credit to Gentlemen ; and that dividing of your fare wil make the poore watersnaks be ready to pul you in peeces to enjoy your custome: No matter whether upon landing, you have money or no : you may swim in twentie of their boates over the river upon Ticket: marry, when silver conies in, remember to pay treble their fare, and it will make your Flounder-catchers to send more thankes after you, when you doe not draw, then when you doe ; for they know, It will be their owne another daie.
    Before the Play begins, fall to cardes : you may win or loose (as Fencers doe in a prize) and beate one another by confederacie, yet share the money when you meete at supper : notwithstanding, to gul the Raggamuffins that stand aloofe gaping at you, throw the cards (having first torne foure or five of them) round about the Stage, just upon the third sound, as though you had lost : it skils not if the foure knaves ly on their backs, and outface the Audience; theres none such fooles as dare take exceptions at them, because, ere the play go off, better knaves than they will fall into the company.
    Now sir, if the writer be a fellow that hath either epigrammed you, or hath had a flirt at your
mistris, or hath brought either your feather, or your red beard, or  your little legs &c. on the stage, you shall disgrace him worse then by tossing him in a blancket, or giving him the bastinado in a Taverne, if, in the middle of his play, (bee it  Pastoral or Comedy, Morall or Tragedie) you rise with a screvvd and discontented face from your stoole to be gone : no matter whether the Scenes be good or no ; the better they are the worse do you distast them : and, beeing on your feet, sneake not away like a coward, but salute all your gentle acquaintance, that are spred either on the rushes, or on stooles about you, and draw what troope you can from the stage after you : the Mimicks are beholden to you, for allowing them elbow roome : their Poet cries, perhaps, a pox go with you, but care not for that, theres no musick without frets.
    Mary, if either the company, or indisposition of the weather binde you to sit it out, my counsell is then that you turne plain Ape, take up a rush, and tickle the earnest eares of your fellow gallants, to make other fooles fall a laughing : mewe at passionate speeches, blare at merrie, finde fault with the musicke, whew at the childrens Action, whistle at the songs : and above all, curse the sharers, that whereas the same day you had bestowed forty shillings on an embrodered Felt and Feather, (Scotch-fashion) for your mistres in the Court, or your punck in the city, within two houres after, you encounter with the very same block on the stage, when the haberdasher swore to you the impression was extant but that morning. To conclude, hoard up the finest play-scraps you can get,  which your leane wit may most favourly feede, for want of other stuffe, when the Arcadian and Euphuized gentlewomen have their tongues sharpened to set upon you: that qualitie (next to your shittlecocke) is the onely furniture to a Courtier thats but a new beginner, and is but in his A B C of complement. The next places that are filled, after the Playhouses bee emptied, are (or ought to be) Tavernes : into a Taverne then let us next march, where the braines of one Hogshead must be beaten out to make up another.

WHOSOEVER desires to bee a man of good reckoning in the Cittie, and (like your French Lord) to have as many tables furnisht as Lackies (who, when they keepe least, keepe none) whether he be a yong Quat of the first yeeres revennew, or some austere and sullen-faced steward, who (in despight of a great beard, a satten suite, and a chaine of gold wrapt in cipers) proclaimes him-selfe to any (but to those to whom his Lord owes money) for a ranck coxcombe, or whether he be a country gentleman, that brings his wife up to learne the fashion, see the Tombs at Westminster, the Lyons in the Tower, or to take physicke ; or else is some yong Farmer, who many times makes his wife (in the country) beleeve he hath suits in law, because he will come up to his letchery : be he of what stamp he will that hath money in his purse, and a good conscience to spend it, my councell is that hee take his continuall diet at a Taverne, which (out of question) is the onely Rendezvous of boone company; and the Drawers the most nimble, the most bold, and most sudden proclaimers of your largest bounty.
    Having therefore thrust your selfe into a case most in fashion (how course soever the stuffe be, tis no matter so it hold fashion) your office is (if you meane to do your judgment right) to enquire out those Tavernes which are best customd, whose maisters are oftenest drunk, (for that confirmes their taste, and that they choose wholesome wines) and such as stand furthest from y^e counters ; where, landing yourself and your followers, your first complement shall be to grow most inwardly acquainted with the drawers, to learne their names, as Jack, and Will, and Tom, to dive into their inclinations, as whether this fellow useth to the Fencing Schoole, this to the Dauncing Schoole; whether, that yong conjurer (in Hogsheads) at midnight keepes a Gelding now and then to visit his Cockatrice, or whether he love dogs, or be addicted to any other eminent and Citizen-like quality : and protest your selfe to be extreamely in love, and that you spend much money in a yeare, upon any one of those exercises which you perceive is followed by them. The use which you shall make of this familiarity is this : If you want money five or six daies together, you may still pay the reckoning with this most Gentlemanlike language, Boy, fetch me money from the barre, and keepe yourself most providently from a hungry melancholy in your chamber. Besides, you shal be sure (if there be but one fawcet that can betray neate wine to the barre) to have that arraigned before you, sooner then a better and worthier person.
   The first question you are to make (after the discharging of your pocket of Tobacco and pipes, and the houshold stuffe thereto belonging) shall be for an inventorie of the Kitchen : for it were more then most Tailor-like, and to be suspected you were in league with some Kitchen-wench, to descend your selfe, to offend your stomach with the sight of the Larder, and happily to grease your Accoustrements. Having therefore received this bill, you shall (like a capten putting up deere paies) have many Sallads stand on your table, as it were for blankes to the other more serviceable dishes : and according to the time of the yeare, vary your fare, as Capon is a stirring meate sometime, Oysters are a swelling meate sometimes, Trowt a tickling meate sometimes, greene Goose, and Woodcock, a delicate meate sometimes, especially in a Taverne, where you shall sit in as great state as a Church-warden amongst his poore Parishioners, at Pentecost or Christmas.
    For your drinke, let not your Physitian confine you to any one particular liquor: for as it is requisite that a Gentleman should not alwaies be plodding in one Art, but rather bee a generall Scholler, (that is, to have a licke at all sorts of learning, and away) so tis not fitting a man should trouble his head with sucking at one Grape, but that he may be able (now there is a generall peace) to drink any stranger drunke in his owne element of drinke, or more properly in his owne mist language.
    Your discourse at the table must be such as that which you utter at your Ordinary : your behaviour the same, but somewhat more carelesse: for where your expence is great, let your modesty be lesse: and, though you should be mad in a Taverne, the largeness of the Items will beare with your incivility : you may, without prick to your conscience, set the want of your wit against the superfluity and sauciness of their reckonings.
    If you desire not to be haunted with Fidlers (who by the statute have as much libertie as Roagues to travel into any place, having the pasport of the house about them) bring then no women along with you : but if you love the company of all the drawers, never sup without your Cockatrice: for, having her there, you shall be sure of most officious attendance. Enquire what Gallants sup in the next roome, and if they be any of your acquaintance, do not you (after the City fashion) send them in a pottle of wine; and your name, sweetned in two pittiful papers of Suger, with some filthy Apology cramd into the mouth of a drawer; but rather keepe a boy in fee, who underhand shall proclaime you in every roome, what a gallant fellow you are, how much you spend yearely in Tavernes, what a great gamester, what custome you bring to the house, in what witty discourse you maintaine a table, what Gentlewomen or Cittizens wives you can with a wet finger have at any time to sup with you, and such like. By which Encomiasticks of his, they that know you not shall admire you, and thinke themselves to bee brought into a paradice but to be meanely in your acquaintance ; and if any of your endeered friends be in the house, and beate the same Ivybush that your selfe does, you may joyne companies, and bee drunke together most publikly.
    But in such a deluge of drinke, take heede that no man counterfeit him selfe drunck, to free his purse from the danger of the shot : tis a usuall thing now amongst gentlemen ; it had wont bee the quality of Cocknies : I would advise you to leave so much braines in your head, as to prevent this. When the terrible Reckoning (like an inditement) bids you hold up your hand, and that you must answere it at the barre, you must not abate one penny in any particular, no, though they reckon cheese to you, when you have neither eaten any, nor could ever abide it, raw or toasted : but cast your eie onely upon the Totalis, and no further ; for to traverse the bill would betray you to be acquainted with the rates of the market, nay more, it would make the Vintners beleeve you were Paterfamilias, and kept a house; which, I assure you, is not now in fashion.
    If you fall to dice after Supper, let the drawers be as familiar with you as your Barber, and venture their silver amongst you ; no matter where they had it : you are to cherish the unthriftinesse of such yong tame pigions, if you be a right gentleman : for when two are yoakt together by  the   purse strings, and draw the Chariot of Madam Prodigalitie, when one faints in the way and slips his hornes, let  the other rejoice and laugh at him.
    At your departure forth the house, to kiss mine Hostess over the barre, or to accept of the courtesie of the Celler when tis offered you by the drawers, and you must know that kindnes never creepes upon them, but when they see you almost cleft to the shoulders, or to bid any of the Vintners good night, is as commendable, as for a Barber after trimming, to lave your face with sweete water.
    To conclude, count it an honour, either to invite or be invited to any Rifling: for commonly, though you finde much satten there, yet you shall likewise find many cittizens sonnes, and heirs, and yonger brothers there, who smell out such feasts more greedily then taylors hunt upon sundaies after weddings. And let any hooke draw you either to a Fencers supper, or to a Players that acts such a part for a wager; for by this meanes you shall get experience, by beeing guilty to their abhominable shaving. 

AFTER the sound of pottle-pots is out of your eares, and that the spirit of Wine and Tobacco walkes in your braine, the Taverne door being shut uppon your backe, cast about to passe through the widest and goodliest streetes in the Cittie. And if your meanes cannot reach to the keeping of a boy, hire one of the drawers, to be as a lanthorne unto your feete, and to light you home: and, still as you approch neere any night-walker that is up as late as yourselfe curse and swear (like one that speaks High Dutch) in a lofty voice, because your men have used you so like a rascall in not waiting upon you, and vow the next morning to pull their blew cases over their eares, though, if your chamber were well searcht, you give onely six pence a weeke to some old woman to make your bed, and that she is all the serving-creatures you give wages to. If you smell a watch (and that you may easily doe, for commonly they eate onions to keep them in sleeping, which they account a medicine against cold) or, if you come within danger of their browne bils, let him that is your candlestick, and holds up your torch from dropping (for to march after a linck is shoomaker-like), let Ignis Fatuus, I say, being within the reach of the Constables staffe, aske aloud, Sir Giles, or Sir Abram, will you turne this way, or downe that streete ? It skils not, though there be none) dubd in your Bunch ; the watch will winke at you, onely for the love they beare to armes and knighthood: mary, if the Centinell and his court of Guard stand strictly upon his martiall Law and cry stand, commanding you to give the word, and to shew reason why your Ghost walkes so late, doe it in some Jest (for that will shew you have a desperate wit, and perhaps make him and his halberdiers afraid to lay fowle hands upon you) or, if you read a mittimus in the Constables booke, counterfeit to be a Frenchman, a Dutchman, or any other nation whose country is in peace with your owne ; and you may passe the pikes: for beeing not able to understand you, they cannot by the customes of the Citie take your examination, and so by consequence they have nothing to say to you.
    If the night be old, and that your lodging be some place into which no Artillery of words can make a breach, retire, and rather assault the dores of your punck, or (not to speak broken English) your sweete mistris, upon whose white bosome you may languishingly consume the rest of darknesse that is left, in ravishing (though not restorative) pleasures, without expenses, onely by vertue of foure or five oathes (when the siege breakes up, and at your marching away with bag and baggage) that the last night you were at dice, and lost so much in gold, so much in silver; and seeme to vex most that two such Elizabeth twenty-shilling peeces, or foure such spur-ryals  (sent you with a cheese and a bakt meate from your mother)  rid away amongst the
rest. By which tragicall yet pollitick speech, you may not only have your nighte worke done Gratis, but also you may take dyet there the next day, and depart with credit, onely upon the bare word of a Gentleman to make her restitution.
    All the way as you passe (especially being approcht neere some of the Gates) talk of none but Lords, and such Ladies with whom you have plaid at Primero, or daunced in the Presence the very same day. It is a chaunce to lock up the lippes of an inquisitive Bel-man: and being arrived at your lodging doore, which I would councell you to choose in some rich Cittizens house, salute at parting no man but by the name of Sir (as though you had supt with Knights) albeit you had none in your company but your Perinado, or your Inghle.
    Happily it will be blowne abroad, that you and your Shoale of Gallants swum through such an Ocean of wine, that you danced so much money out at heeles, and that in wild-foule there flew away thus much : and I assure you, to have the bill of your reckoning lost of purpose, so that it may be publisht, will make you to be held in deere estimation: onely the danger is, if you owe money, and that your revealing gets your Creditors by the eares; for then looke to have a peal of ordinance thundring at your chamber doore the next morning. But if either your Tailor, Mercer, Haberdasher, Silkeman, Cutter, Linen Draper, or Sempster, stand like a guard of Switzers about your lodging, watching your uprising, or, if they misse of that, your down lying in one of the Counters, you have no meanes to avoid the galling of their small-shot, then by sending out a light horseman to call your Apotecary to your aide, who, encountring this desperate band of your Creditors, only with two or three glasses in his hand, as though that day you purgd, is able to drive them all to their holes like so many Foxes: for the name of taking physicke is a sufficient Quietus est to any endangered Gentleman, and gives an acquittance (for the time) to them all, though the twelve Companies stand with their hoods to attend your comming forth and their Officers with them.

I could now fetch you about noone (the houre which I prescribed you before to rise at) out of your chamber, and carry you with mee into Paules Churchyard; where planting your selfe in a Stationers shop, many instructions are to bee given you, what bookes to call for, how to censure of new bookes, how to mew at the old, how to looke in your tables and inquire for such and such Greeke, French, Italian, or Spanish Authors, whose names you have there, but whom your mother for pitty would not give you so much wit as to understand. From thence you should blow your selfe into the Tobacco-Ordinary, where you are likewise to spend your judgment (like a Quack-salver) upon that mysticall wonder, to bee able to discourse whether your Cane or your Pudding be sweetest, and which pipe has the best boare, and which burnes black, which breakes in the burning, &c. Or,  if you  itch to step into the Barbers, a whole Cockney Dictionary cannot afford more wordes to set downe notes what Dialogues you are to maintaine whilest you are Doctor of the Chaire there. After your shaving, I could breath you in a Fence-schoole, and out of that cudgell you into a Dauncing schoole, in both which I could weary you, by shewing you more tricks then are in five galleries, or fifteen prizes. And, to close up the stomach of this feast, I could make Cockneies, whose fathers have left them well, acknowledge themselves infinitely beholden to me, for teaching them by familiar demonstration how to spend their patrimony and to get themselves names, when their fathers are dead and rotten. But lest too many dishes should cast into a surfet, I will now take away; yet so that, if I perceive you relish this well, the rest shall be (in time) prepared for you. Fare-well.
 

FINIS.

Renascence Editions